I feel/ I am

Whenever I begin working with clients (either individually or in groups), I often introduce one of my most favorite exercises, called "I feel/ I am." For me, this exercise is a classic. I have used it so many times, and I can't think of a time when it didn't work. It's that good! I also like it for its stand-alone capabilities (it's a great eye-opener in and of itself) AND it is also the perfect foundation exercise for doing deeper, more consciousness-building work down the road.

Needless to say, I'm a huge fan.

I learned about this exercise from a healer in New York named Sandra Robbins, who just so happens to be the lovely wife of Arthur Robbins, Ed.D. Arthur Robbins, affectionately known as "Art", is widely considered to be one of the most influential leaders in the field of Art Therapy. If you're interested, you can check out one of his many books at Jessica Kingsley Publishing.

But, getting back to Sandra: I was introduced to the "I feel/ I am" exercise in an elective class she taught on healing at Pratt Institute (the exact title of the class escapes me).

The objective of the exercise is to take a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle of it (thus making 2 columns), and over the first column you write the heading "I FEEL" and over the second column you write "I AM."

Next, you begin writing under "I FEEL" whatever (and I mean whatever) you are feeling. This can be whatever you are feeling right in that very moment or whatever you have been feeling lately...basically whatever comes out...as they say, "don't think; just write!"

Then comes the more challenging part (usually, for most people): Under "I AM" you are asked to write down whatever is unchanging about you. This is who you are as a person, your core, your soul, i.e. that deeper stuff. In other words, our feelings are always coming and going; we are up and then we are down; this is how life goes. If we were to hang our hat, so to speak, on every feeling we had and claim it as our identity, then boy oh boy, we'd be in bad shape. If we are relatively healthy and not severely mentally ill, we don't do this. Our feelings can inform who we are, but they are not who we are.

So, ok then, we don't base our identity on our feelings, which are always in flux, so what then are we? That is the question and the contemplation on column #2: the "I AM" part.

Of course there is no one right answer to any of this. For me, as I've looked at this over the years, I find that my "I AM" part has gotten a lot simpler and speaks to my essence, not to any roles I have or functions I perform. So, it's not my ego, but it's something else. This is another reason the exercise is great. You can do it over and over again, and each time will reveal something different.

But, we are not done yet! What's useful about this list (and by the way, if you haven't already, I encourage you to grab a piece of paper and try it), is where you can go from this point.

Knowing that we are not our feelings is probably one of the most essential aspects of meditation. The observation of our feelings and of our mind is the cornerstone of meditation. We allow what is there to be there, and we accept and observe whatever is under the "I FEEL" column; and we can do that with whatever we have on our "I AM" side. The "I AM" will be different of course for everyone, as will the "I FEEL". However, one of the ways to think about the "I AM" is as the part of us that is unchanging, while the "I FEEL" part is the stuff that is always changing. Could we possibly see the words "Loving" or "Compassionate" or "Breathing" under this "I AM" list? Absolutely! And, aren't these the types of words akin to the kind of state that observes what is going on in the mind/body during meditation (or just in daily life)? Absolutely!

For so many people, the act of writing all of this down is a game changer. Then, to actually step back and see what you've written is by definition putting you in an observing state. To have what has been a murky and confused cluster of feelings suddenly appear in a manageable and organized manner that YOU put together is HUGE. To see not only the feelings, but also the "thing" that holds the feelings (the I AM) emerge as the healing, holding environment is sometimes the missing link, the connection, that has not been there before. I have seen this process take so many different shapes and forms, literally changing people's lives. It can be that profound.

And for others, just seeing that they have been completely merged with their feelings (mostly the painful and scary feelings) is another a-ha moment. There it is, all that stuff, written down right in front of them in their "I AM" column. I will often have the honor of people reading their lists to me. Often I hear the following: "I am depressed." or "I am nervous." In other words, I hear an "I FEEL" word in the "I AM" column. I feel a great deal of compassion for this part, and I will often take my pen at this point, (and with their permission) I will draw arrows interchanging the I FEEL and I AM columns. I then ask the question "Is it possible that you've merged too much with your feelings? Have you become your feelings?" "What it would be like to say "I feel anxious" or "I feel some fear" instead of "I am anxious" and "I am scared"? For many, this is the place where the real work begins.

I wanted to bring this up today because I go back to this exercise all the time in my daily life. Whenever moments of intense feelings come up, it is so ingrained in my mind to reframe the situation in these terms that thankfully, it has become second nature. Sometimes I even picture a piece of paper, with the line drawn down the middle, and say to myself "Ok, it's cool...this feeling of X is just how I'm feeling right now. This feeling is valid. It has a right to be here...BUT this is not who I am." That's the self-talk part, which leads so nicely into the being part: into my "I AM" state which holds all of me with love and acceptance. I can't tell you how much grief I've saved over the years just by having this practice in my life.

Thank you Sandra Robbins for introducing me to this life-changing, mind-shifting exercise and paradigm! I hope that, if you're reading this, you will take some time for yourself and try it. I hope you find it to be as useful in your own life, as I have in mine.

Till next time, be well.

Here comes a very honest moment.

I knew when I undertook this blog there would be times when the advice spoken in hushed murmurs in my most quiet times would not necessarily jive so well with my egoic self. You know, that self that wants to run as far from that voice and avert the truth and be in denial sometimes? You know, that self that wants this blog just to be pretty and polished and not at all exposing of who I am at a given moment. Ya, that's the one.

Herein lies this very honest moment.

Lately I've been getting the very real sense in meditation that I'm doing something akin to "one step forward/ two steps back" when it comes to my health and wellness.

What's been happening is this: I take what I consider to be pretty good care of myself during the week. I am mindful of what I eat most of the time and I have a very regular yoga and meditation practice. I feel great overall. Then....dun-de-dun-dun-dun....the weekend rolls around and I "give myself permission" to be a little naughty in not caring too much about what I eat. I have equated "permission" with "fun" and I seem to abandon most of all my weekly practices. I'm not saying that I'm just this crazy-eating-machine or something, but I just make poorer choices in what I select. It's worth noting that I have been very moderate in my drinking during the weekend, though, so it really is not about the alcohol, but mainly the food.

I have been operating under this sort of "80/20" philosophy which basically says that as long as I'm eating well 80% of the time, the other 20% don't matter so much. I have nothing against this philosophy, but there is a very real downside to it which is where I find myself exploring right now. If 80% is the goal, you're only going to arrive at 80%. I know that when I was in school, 80% was really pretty mediocre. Do I want to live at 80%, especially when 5 days out of the week I feel close to 100%? Why blow it all on the weekend?

It's fine to enjoy rich foods and enjoy foods you know you can't eat every day. I am very ok with that. I actually feel it is very healthy to allow yourself to do that from time to time and in moderation. What I'm not ok with is the lack of mindfulness that sometimes goes along with this.

Basically, I need to reign it in some...that's the message. I will feel better and really that is the bottom line. I know what to do. Again, it's just about mindfulness and listening. It's not to say I can't eat any of "that food" over the weekend, it's just about listening to my body and trusting that, like everything else, the right choice is there for me in every moment. I just have to pay attention and act accordingly.

That just feels right.

So, that is the message. That is my own best advice: heard in silence and written today on this blog.

Now, the fun part: practice!

I will keep you updated.

Till next time.

This action thing is starting to roll...

Two blog posts ago I spoke about action. Moving through some discomfort, last week I made myself do several key things that I already feel are paying dividends. Namely, I am learning to embrace that scary feeling and go with it more. Let's face it, isn't it uncomfortable to move outside of your comfort zone, and to go one step further even, and embrace this discomfort as a lifestyle? Perhaps it becomes a certain kind of comfortable then? Nonetheless, I feel that I am on an actual roll right now. It feels very good, somewhat akin to that moment when you realize all your exercising has become a good feeling, the norm, and not this thing that you are burdened by doing. However, I have to be completely frank, this feeling just started happening today.

Here are the three seeds that I planted last week which have all coincidentally manifested today (strange!):

1. I followed up with two contacts in the Dallas area who were generated from friends (key to note that I did not know these people at all, but asked around enough to the people I did know to generate two viable contacts for job leads). I had a lunch meeting with one of these people today. It went very well and there are plans for a second meeting with two more people.
2. I made plans to talk with the second contact on Monday (she happens to be sick with the flu right now).
3. I registered myself for a free teleseminar with Cristine Kane, a professional business coach (http://www.uplevelyourlife.com/). For 1.5 hours this evening, I listened to her speak in a wonderful, authentic voice about connection and "upleveling" your business (as opposed to always looking for the upshot...the one big "a ha", sale, or thing).

She said many things which made a lot of sense, and I am eager to put a few more of my own thoughts into action.

As I process her call, I am left with these ideas:
A couple of blogs ago I spoke about this free download that I want to put up on my website, and guess what, I haven't done it yet.

But guess what will get done by tomorrow...that!

This idea of giving things away for free as a service is very important. Cristine talked a lot about this. It is about connection; and from this, all other things will grow, including the business.
I would like to do some free meditation workshops and have had this thought many times before, but tonight something clicked, and I will make it happen . I will then have in place my free download on my site, so I can direct people there after I meet them for the free sessions. She also spoke about generating a mailing list and doing that by offering some sort of a drawing at my event. The drawing could be to win a certain amount of private meditation sessions with me, and with that I can thank them for signing up by letting them know that they will be contacted and directed to the free download.

She spoke about a weekly email to your mailing list as a way to build trust with people. This made a lot of sense to me too, as opposed to sending out a random email every couple of months or something. Of course, who trusts that??

I feel very good about this evening's teleseminar and feel I have enough to go on for a while. I took notes while I listened, and I plan to go back and review them later.

OOOH, the power of the brainstorm: One last action item: I will contact my friend Gretchen, a yoga teacher in Corpus who used to live here in Dallas, and see which yoga centers she could recommend I talk to about my meditation services. Guess what I'll be doing next...yep, you guessed it!

Till next time...

An old poem rediscovered...kinda fun

to see where I was and where I am today. This is probably about

8 years old. I found it while cleaning out some files.

Even though this isn’t information gleaned while in

meditation, I think I’d like to post it to show an

earlier part of my journey. At this

point in my life, I still grappled with the highs and lows

of life in a way that I don’t today.

Ok here it is:

I AM NOT

the mess I see around me

the frustration that from all over hits me

the moments, they subside

to free me of these turbulent tides

I AM NOT any emotion

so frustration and jubilation are not me

I am not to attach to any

but feel ALL wholly

If I attach to jolly times

I’m doomed to feel the folly crimes

that inevitably wait till I can’t see

their inappropriate chimes

I am feeling sick and tired of falling

for these same old troubled lines

The same sick punch-line rhymes

I say each time it’ll be my last

Now I say nothing

And allow it all to pass

I will feel worse again

worse worse worse

It’s a truth I hate to face

hence my attachment to pleasant tastes

So to heal all this I have to say,

Hey, they will all come back one day

I live on earth which goes around this way

But I came from heaven

whose ways stay above and calm for days

My awareness of this will leave again

As I’ve finally succumbed to understand

I am not enlightened this time

I will again fall

be tempted by it all

But I AM NOT any of this escapade

A mocking, biting, cruel and rude charade

A game I’m not in

but playing all the same.

Action speaks; single-pointed focus

Ok, ready set go! I’m feeling a ton better, so the rest was

definitely the right move.

What is really coming through in meditation is what I really

want to do in life. It will include the following: studying

and taking the GRE, applying for a PhD. program

in Psychology, and (this part was new for me)

teaming up with a physicist to write a book on the

science of healing (this all done eventually of course).

I’ve also gotten some immediate action items to do, which

I’ve already begun to put in action. One item is to contact

the American Cancer Society to volunteer and hopefully be

able to do meditation groups for them. I will go to a

Volunteer Orientation this Friday! Secondly, I have

repeatedly gotten the information to convert a cd I have of

a meditation group that I led into a MP3 file to be put on

my website as a free download. I need to recover the cd and

ask Daniel to help me do this. I have already put this

action item on his radar.

Tonight I attend a training to be a Counselor for Camp

COPE, and I have very positive feelings about this challenging

new job and opportunity.

Overall, I feel great. I am feeling increased energy and

focus from yoga. I am also being more mindful of the

foods I am eating (following a lot of instincts on food

choices, which have included more salads).

Overall, I feel I need to make things happen by

taking these action steps, because they feel right and ripe

with possibility.

Sometimes we are told to s l o w d o w n

Nothing too exciting to report, but it isn’t always about being exciting, right?

While in meditation the last few days, I have received the very strong sense of resting and not going out. It is very appropriate to mention that I have been nursing a scratchy throat and sniffles for the last few days.

So, I acted accordingly and cancelled my plans for the weekend, only doing a brief dinner outing on Saturday night, which I meditated on and got “clearance” on to go. This discipline of rest and saying “no” to plans is all paying off because today I feel almost 100%.

LESSON LEARNED: Listening to the body when it needs to rest and honoring that need by cancelling plans and watching the mind fight you on the perceived fun which you may be missing is not terribly interesting, but it is terribly essential to well-being and fun in future days.

That and soup, EmergenC, and Throat Coat tea also rock!!!

How I met my husband...I followed an instinct one-year earlier

The reason I’m doing this

blog is because whenever I listen to my internal voice, some call it wisdom or inspiration,

and act accordingly, my life is better than imaginable.

One of many examples is the following: Sometime in early

2005 I was sitting in meditation and heard that voice of

wisdom urge me to go to a cafe that I had heard about

before, but had never been to. Ok, fine I’ll go; seems

harmless enough. I went there that very day, when

apparently they were near closing, and there were no

other customers. Nonetheless, I felt drawn to

stay since again, something so

compelled me to go.

I sat down with my

laptop and began working on a project.

Then shortly after, the owner came up and we talked about art, amongst other

things. When he found out I was an artist he asked to

see my work. I just so happened to have some images on

my computer, so I showed him those. He immideately

asked if I wanted to have a show there, and I said “Sure,”

and “Thank you!” Fast forward several months later, I

had my show, and I don’t want to brag but it was

very successful. But wait, we’re

not done yet. Fast forward maybe about 6 months after the

show: It is January 18, 2006, and I go there one

afternoon for lunch with a bunch of

co-workers, and lo and behold our server is this really cute

guy who later becomes my husband. Exactly two years

from that meeting we had our rehearsal dinner at this

very cafe…and now, as I approach our two-year anniversary

I honor this idea of shutting up long enough to listen and

then to act, with the idea that

maybe just maybe, our internal life has more in store for

us than we may think, and that the seemingly innocent

ideas generated in silence

like “hey, go try this cafe” actually lead you beyond

your wildest dreams, all the way, to your bliss.